Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
