Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
