I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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