neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
