my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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