my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I checked into jail on foursquare
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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