he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
