He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
