if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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