yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
