Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
