I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
