I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
