And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
