Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
