I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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