You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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