I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
