Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Randomize
