guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
It all started with a game of naked twister.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
