i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
