Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Send help, water and tortillas.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
