i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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