My nipple is on Facebook.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
