I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize