this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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