All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
