I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
