I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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