I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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