I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
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