I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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