the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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