i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
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