Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
only you would photoshop your dick
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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