So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
