vagina is talking i cant
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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