So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
