Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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