so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
