What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Randomize
