I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My cat gives me a boner
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
