If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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