I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
