Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
