My nipple is on Facebook.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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