i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
