I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
There r osticjed everywhere
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
