I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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