That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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