she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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