you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
where are you?
Hypothermia
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
