how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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