I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
