I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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