dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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