Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
