you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
