My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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