Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
