What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
