Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
