my mouth tastes like poor choices
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
