I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize
