last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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